Confronting Questions

There was a time in my life when I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy, and I didn’t particularly like myself.

Growing up, I had some body image issues, some of them even lasting into my early twenties, and if I’m honest with myself, several of them were still with me up until a few years ago. I suppose they’re always ‘with’ you, it’s just how you manage them.

The turning point for me was back in late 2009. I was miserable, and fat, 106kg of fat, on a 5’6 frame = obese. I had convinced I was unhappy because I was fat, so I decided I needed help to lose the weight, and I went to see a psychologist.

Why a psychologist and not Jenny Craig? Because I knew that I had to get my head right to make any sort of change stick. I needed to know what I was dealing with, and why I’d gotten to where I was.

During my three sessions with Joe I discovered the root cause of my relationship with food. As a child, it was a reward, or a treat, something I associated with feeling positive and good about myself, so in adolescence, I’d gone to the extreme, and every time I felt bad about something, or myself, I’d eat to try to recreate that feeling. Joe helped me learn new way of thinking about food, he helped me break my bad habits through hypnotherapy, and I can honestly say, it helped.

Now I’m not suggesting for one second that it was a quick fix, I had to want to change, and I had to want to take responsibility for myself. Without that resolve and commitment it wouldn’t have mattered how many session I had with Joe, nothing would have worked.

Over the course of about six months I dropped 25kg to 81kg. I was impressed, I was over doing it, but I was impressed. I was slimmer, healthier, fitter, I wanted more out of life, and I had the whole world in front me. I felt energised and revitalised.

Why then, I asked myself, was I still miserable?

I sat down and I made a list, and all of sudden, it dawned on me – I wasn’t unhappy because I was fat, I was fat because I was unhappy.

Every relationship I’d ever been in had seen me gain weight whilst in it. All sorts of alarm bells started going off in my head – but I felt liberated because I’d finally worked out what the issue was. I don’t just mean my boyfriends. Any relationship where I felt I needed approval, such as my relationships with my parents, my friends, and, more recently, the men in my life.

I had no idea who I was when in a relationship. All of my attention and my time and effort went into making the other person happy. I lost myself and my sense of identity.

What about me?

What about my needs?

What about what makes me happy?

Did I even know what made me happy?

Two days later I broke up with my boyfriend. I’d felt unsettled with him for a while, and that realisation was the final straw. People were shocked, five years we’d been together, and for five years I’d wanted more from him, and I was just waiting and hoping it would happen, but it was never going to happen.

I spent the best part of a year single. I’d never even lived on my own, so it was a whole new world for me – my time was my own, I could do what I wanted, when I wanted (who I wanted – although not that often to be honest!) – I learnt a lot about who I was, my likes and dislikes, and the sort of partner I wanted and needed, and the sort of lifestyle that I wanted.

My trips to the gym became less frequent, and most of my time at the gym was to avoid being at home anyway. As a result of this pullback I put a little bit of weight back on, 6kg actually, but I was happy, and content, and I maintained that weight. I was side tracked by a health issues, but that’s another blog. Besides, I knew I’d get back into it, but I was just taking some time to stand still and breathe.

Things are different now, I have a loving supportive partner that expects me to be nobody else but myself, and I’m happy with myself and where my life is at. My head is right, my attitude is right, and now I feel ready to tackle the last half of my weight loss, which is why I signed up for 12WBT.

So if you think you’re unhappy because you’re fat, maybe you’re fat because you’re unhappy. It’s a confronting question, but one worth asking yourself. Only then can you stop filling that happiness void with food and replace it with self respect, love for yourself, a new skill, a hobby, new friends, etcetera. 

If I learned anything worth remembering during this light bulb phase, it’s this; 

Make peace with yourself – get your head right – and the rest will follow.